Two weeks later…

The number on the scale still says 189.2. I won’t give up, but it is frustrating to scale back on portions, snacks, and soda and not see a difference. Hopefully soon I will start being able to make bigger changes that will result in a healthier me. It hasn’t been an easy two weeks emotionally. I’m all over the place. I tend to regress what I’m feeling, but sometimes, I can’t even tell what I’m feeling and why I might be feeling a particular way. Today, I’m exhausted yet extremely antsy. It’s like ADHD and I’m like one, two, pancake, bingo! My mind races. A lot. So many thoughts, questions, and no answers and no way to talk it through. Maybe even if I don’t reach for food every time I struggle, I’m still reaching for it too much. Trying to figure it all out is complex. I have a lot of habits I need to work on. Here’s hoping to progress in the next two weeks.


The Darkest Minds


#darkestminds #reading #books

I have read the first two books in the “Darkest Minds” series by Alexandra Bracken. I’m currently reading the third book, “In the After light.” I’m really loving this series. I just found out there’s also three novellas in the series as well. The story involves kids with different abilities. They’re sent away to camps so they can “learn” to control their abilities. That’s not what happens at the camps at all. The ones who can escape learn to band together to keep fighting to find the reason behind their abilities and to find the cure. I suggest reading this series to anyone interested in a good read!

Oops

Yesterday I drank more soda than I planned. But I’m not beating myself up over. I’ll do better today. When I oops on trying to do better, the knee-jerk reaction is to just keep doing bad. It’s habit. “I’ll never do better… I’ll keep messing up…. I’ll never lose the weight… I’ll never control myself…” It isn’t a good way to think, but it’s how I’m programmed. So I’m trying to break that type of reaction. Today is a new day and I’m capable of doing better. I will lose the weight, little by little, and I will get healthy. I didn’t just start having bad habits out of no where. They developed, took time to escalate, and now it will take time to undo them. It’s a process. Life is full of processes.

We know my eating issues go hand and hand with my mental health at this point so might as well say how I’m struggling there as well. Write it out and keep myself from going down the wrong path in more ways than one. It’s hard for me when I try to talk to someone and they don’t want to hear what I’m saying for one reason or another. They change the words I’m saying and twist them. Or the way I feel effects them in ways I don’t understand so I’m not permitted to talk about what’s going on. I’m allowed to be scared of things repeating in my life that have hurt me. So much trauma, so many times of people hurting me in the same ways, you get a fear of it happening. Instead of being understanding, it ends up being a “be seen and not heard” situation. I’ve been losing my voice. Little by little. I once was quiet. Never spoke up for myself, tried to go undetected by all. I literally whispered as a child because I didn’t want people to notice me or get mad for speaking. I broke free of that. It took a lot of years. I was very proud of overcoming that obstacle. Ironically, when I did, I was actually in the best health, best weight, I’ve ever been in. And now that I’m repressing back into that shy, timid, nonverbal child, I start eating more. I guess food in the mouth means no words can leave it. Since I don’t want to fall back so far after getting so far ahead, this blog is an outlet for me. People don’t have to read it. It’s for me. And maybe some will read it and be like, I’ve been there too. And maybe it’ll motivate them to talk it out and not become a person they don’t want to be. Either way, here’s to a day low in soda and high in being me. 

Emotions…

Emotions

I have a lot of them at any given time. But lately I’ve found I’m not allowed to express them. Most would think, why the hell can’t you? Well, it’s complex. It started with people who hurt me and just gets to keep going. Today, I’m fearful. Scared of what’s to come. Scared to be hurt more. It isn’t an overwhelming anxiety type scared. It’s a normal scared after all I’ve been through. But I have to be silent. I can’t talk about it or it gets worse. There’s been one other person on the hellish nightmare train, one person who gets it all, who has been through it all too. They made it though I can’t talk to this person, or it all goes downhill and fast. I don’t know what to do any more. I keep praying. I pray for the nightmare to end. I pray to be free from it all. I pray to feel better, to feel like me, to be able to voice how I feel without consequences, without being made feel like I make life worse. It’s a hard place to be in. I know it probably doesn’t make a lot of sense, but to make it all make sense means I have to open myself up completely and I just can’t do that. Opening up makes one so very vulnerable and I’m finding out just how much people can break you when you are your most vulnerable. I’ll keep praying. It’s all I can do. Praying and writing… trying to stay away from eating these emotions. I get why I have eaten my emotions for so long. I can’t voice them, so I silence them with food. Some day it won’t be this way any more. Some day it’ll get better. It has to. But when my time on Earth comes to an end, the first thing I plan on asking God is why. And let him fill in all the blanks. I deserve at least that. 

Being positive in a negative world

It isn’t easy to stay positive in a negative world. My sister got me a gratitude journal for my birthday. I plan on using it and seeing if I can have a better mindframe each morning. It is easy to focus on all the things going wrong and to take the good for granted. I woke up this morning. Obviously, that’s a step in the right direction. I’ve had a lot of bad things going on in my life (see posts of the past…). A lot of it I do keep inside and I let it eat away at me. I don’t want to let that happen. I don’t want it to drag me down. I find there’s days when I drowned in all that’s taken place, asking God why constantly. I don’t get an answer, except that I’m able to wake up each day. I’m suppose to be in this world. I’m to keep trying, keep going, keep hoping and believing it will get better. Or I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. So some things I’m thankful for….people who love me, being a mom, my furry family, having a job I love, sunshine, warm days, rainbows, being able to drive. Just a few things to keep me going when I lose my way. It happens to all of us. My story is an odd one, but I can’t let it define me. I’m not who they tried to make me into, I’m what I’ve overcome. Keep pushing on. After all, you too, woke up this morning.

And the starting number is…

My weight is 189.2 pounds. I’ve set a short-term goal of losing a pound a week. A long term goal of losing 52 pounds in a year, by my next birthday. Both realistic. Now to map out my plan in losing it. I guess a good starting point would be to cut out soda. I know I eat to deal with my emotions so I really need to figure out a way to help myself without eating the problems away. I’d like to start exercising, but I have to get my heart in check first. It might take a little bit to get there. Heres to working on a new me!